Some days are better than others…


Most of the time I can recognize the triggers. Sometimes I don’t want to. I’m so afraid of slipping into a black hole of despair that I won’t allow myself to lose it every once in a while. I think it’s holding me back and it eventually makes me totally lose it. This is a much deeper hole. There’s no one here anymore to throw me a rope so I can climb out. I’ve pulled myself out before, but why does it always have to be me? Why can’t someone rescue me sometimes? I’m exhausted! It takes so much of my energy to have to go through this all the time. Last week I was luckily distracted a bit by my boys, but this week they’re gone, and I’m all alone. I have no desire to do anything. No motivation to study or read. I WISH I didn’t have to come to this job that I hate everyday. Of course, that just makes me frustrated with myself for not doing my homework so I can get on with my degree and actually start a career. Can you imagine? Starting over at my age? I’m 44. Who’s gonna hire me for a new entry level job when I’m 50. I’m rambling. Another lovely part of it.

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