New Year, No New Resolutions

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. I wish I could. I wish that I truly believed they worked. In that case I would feel a wave of motivation. I would be working out. I would be pumped about studying again. I would be eating healthier. I would actually care about my job (not easy cause I HATE IT!!).

I know where my biggest trigger of depressed feelings is coming from right now. It’s my weight! I’m not fat, but I’m bigger than I’ve ever been. This body isn’t me. I don’t want to feel comfortable in this skin. I want my old skin back, or, at least, something like it. I get that age catches up with you, BLAH BLAH BLAH!! Screw that! I’m actually embarrassed to go to the gym. So why don’t I continue to work out at home? I was actually doing well, but I didn’t feel like I saw any results! Well, I thought I did, but my boyfriend didn’t. That’s a huge thing for me. Of course I want to do it for myself, but I want him to see how good I can look. I think I’m pretty, so I haven’t lost all of my self-confidence, but I used to be the whole package. Don’t get me wrong…I know I’m no super model and have never wanted to be, but the best me made me very happy. I’m not happy at all right now.

I HATE MY BOOBS!!! Sometimes so much I feel like cutting them off myself. I know I have to lose weight before I can get them reduced, but they are making me look fatter than ever! I even had to start ordering shirts from a special store. I am convinced the internet is sabotaging my weight loss. Try this diet. No don’t. Try this one. Don’t diet, just change your eating habits. This exercise alone will not help you lose weight, so you have to do this and this and this together. WHO HAS TIME FOR ALL THAT!!!??? Who has the will power for all that?! I wish that my bi-polar addiction or obsession was working out, but it’s not. When I think about how much work it would take to get me in shape, all I wanna do is curl up in bed and take a nap. Then I wake up and drink wine.

Yes, wine. I love it! It makes me gain tons of weight, and it slows me down. It doesn’t stop me from getting things done, but it definitely slows me down. I don’t want to stop drinking it, but I do wish I didn’t feel like drinking it on weeknights. I just love that feeling of decompressing, turning on a tv show and chilling with wine. Another problem is my boyfriend and I don’t live together, so when we are together (we both have kids from other relationships and don’t want to blend households), I feel like we need to make it like a special occasion with good food and wine. I told him the other day that I don’t want to sit around and watch tv or a movie and fall asleep early. Then a whole night is wasted and then someone has to leave the next day. I never know for sure exactly what day I will see him again except for when we don’t have our kids. Sometimes I have to wait a week. That’s too long for me.

He’s always been really active, and we’ve tried to work out together, but we do different things. I’ve tried running with him, but he gets bored running at my pace and always runs ahead. I guess it doesn’t help that I HATE the weather here. Cold, wet, windy and rainy! Not ideal for this Florida girl, but I’m stuck. I wish he was more motivating. I know it’s not his fault, but it sucks. I’ve seen couples working out together at the gym, and I want that! I want him to say, “Come on, Baby. 1 more km. Just 5 more reps. You can do it!!” He has actually done that a few times, but I mean on a more regular basis.

I feel sorry for him. He is my only person here, and he has to hear all my shit. I guess if it really bothered him, he would dump me, but I don’t want to let anyone else in. When it comes to making friends, I’m afraid of rejection. He has become my only friend and I’m worried that because of that, I’m gonna lose him. Someday, he’s going to sail away. 6 month, a year…Gone. And I’ll be all alone. Maybe I’ll get so depressed then that I won’t eat. Not really the way I wanna lose weight.

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