Downtime

For most people, downtime means a time for them to re-group and re-cupe. For me it just means I’m down, and I have been for some time now. I just can’t get out of this funk. I think I’ve put too much pressure on myself, which I swore I wouldn’t do. I’m stressing about everything. School, work, money, kids, family, relationship, appearance…let’s see, is there anything else? I know I’m a worry wart, but damn! It’s made me so tired. I did clean my house yesterday. Well, I vacuumed. I made the boys clean the bathrooms. I always keep the kitchen clean now, and most days I make my bed just cause. But today I didn’t. I was so tired and it looked so cozy that I didn’t want to make it. I just wanted to crawl back into it. I still haven’t unpacked my bag from being at the bf’s last week. I hate that. I know I’d feel better if I just did it, but I don’t. Why not?

Yesterday I was yelling at myself in the car on the way home, YOU WILL DO A WORKOUT WHEN YOU GET HOME!! I had just been to the store, then came home and vacuumed because who wants to workout on a floor with tons of dog hair on hardwood floors right? By the time I had done that and put away the groceries, one of the boys came home from school. Then I started laundry, my other son came home, one thing lead to another, and I was back in bed. Did I mention the bf and I broke up temporarily yesterday as well? I’m sure that didn’t help with my lack of energy. The weekend fighting with him had already exhausted me.

I think it might soon be my time of the month cause it feels like I’m PMSing. I never know cause I have that stick in my arm and I can go for months without it. It’s supposed to help control my hormones, but either it’s not really helping, or I would be EVEN worse if I didn’t have it.

I’m starting to hate FB, but I think I’m addicted. I’m just so sad about the state of the US right now, the whole world really. There’s just so much hate and anger. There aren’t enough people who care about other lives, human and animal. They don’t care about the environment we’re leaving for the generations to come. I feel like these people have no right to have children if their not going to help them have a better world. Most of the people I know who care so little about other humans and the environment are supposed to be Christians. I don’t think this is what God wanted. I think he wanted all of us to love each other and take care of each other. Isn’t that a better message than “Don’t step over that border into my land or I’ll shoot you with my gun”? It’s hurting my soul. It makes me want to die now so I can go to Heaven and ask God myself. But I feel like I have so much more to teach my children. I need to help them get through all of this. I need to protect them now and teach them how to protect themselves. They’re not ready to be without me even though sometimes I feel like I’m ready to go.

I am alive right now because of my faith and my 2 sweet wonderful boys. I just hope that someday I will want to stay alive for me, because I want to, and not just for other people.

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