I don’t know who I’ve created this site for. Selflessly, I want to say it should be a sort of forum for people with mental disorders and/or addictions who need a place to be understood and feel safe. Then there’s the selfish side of me who wants this for myself, hoping it will be cathartic and help me through whatever I need to get through at certain times. In saying that, helping others makes me feel so good, so I guess I get to live for myself and others. Isn’t that the way it should be anyway?

This site is NOT a place to give a diagnoses or to be diagnosed! That should only be done by a professional. If you feel like you or someone you love has a disorder or addiction, please find help. If anyone ever starts reading this, that is, if I ever even get the nerve to let people know about this, I will start to post helpful sites and telephone hotlines where people can get help.

What I want everyone to understand through this blog is that bipolar does not have to be a negative thing all the time. Of course we have our ups and downs (literally), but one can live a positively awesome life with this disorder as well. That’s what I want to show you here. Mental disorder and addiction do not have to be the end all for you. It does not have to define you. You define yourself. I choose to define myself like my son thinks of me, WONDER WOMAN (even though she’s not a mom;) Maybe I should name myself BIPOLAR MOTHER!! I like it!!!

 

Most of the time I can recognize the triggers. Sometimes I don’t want to. I’m so afraid of slipping into a black hole of despair that I won’t allow myself to lose it every once in a while. I think it’s holding me back and it eventually makes me totally lose it. This is a much deeper hole. There’s no one here anymore to throw me a rope so I can climb out. I’ve pulled myself out before, but why does it always have to be me? Why can’t someone rescue me sometimes? I’m exhausted! It takes so much of my energy to have to go through this all the time. Last week I was luckily distracted a bit by my boys, but this week they’re gone, and I’m all alone. I have no desire to do anything. No motivation to study or read. I WISH I didn’t have to come to this job that I hate everyday. Of course, that just makes me frustrated with myself for not doing my homework so I can get on with my degree and actually start a career. Can you imagine? Starting over at my age? I’m 44. Who’s gonna hire me for a new entry level job when I’m 50. I’m rambling. Another lovely part of it.

I guess a good start would be to write a little about myself. Listen to me. I’m already writing this like I have 10,000 readers.

I am an American twice-divorced single mother of 2 boys, and I have bi-polar disorder. In case you’re wondering, both of my boys are from the same father. He was a pretty good guy, but we just weren’t compatible. Anyway, the reason I say I’m American is because I’m am currently living in Sweden. Not for my sake, but for everyone else’s because I can honestly say, this is the loneliest place on earth. Oh swedes are friendly enough, but the majority of them aren’t as welcoming as one might think. But we’ll get back to them later.

I’ve told my story so many times that it’s taken me a long time to build up the energy to start this blog. I, like many pi-polar sufferers have had my major ups and downs, and talking about it over and over and over again is so draining. However, recently, with everything that I see happening on social media, tv shows and movies about trolls, bullying, depression, mania…I felt like I needed to start speaking out. To share my story, even though I’m just one person who means nothing, it could maybe change someone’s life. Maybe I can see the signs that no one else could and help save a life by just listening or being there for someone. I know I was put on this earth for a purpose, or, let’s face it, I’d be dead. I would have killed myself a long time ago because sometimes the pain has been so bad I just pray to God that he would make my heart stop beating and let it be over. You see, I could never take my own life. I could never do that to my mom, my best friends and most of all, I WOULD NEVER do that to my kids. Can you imagine growing up thinking you weren’t important enough for your mother to stay alive? How does a child get over that?

But here’s the thing. I don’t want to want to live just for other people. I want to want to live for me. How do I do that? What can possibly make me feel that way when so many bad things have happened that I’m constantly afraid that one good thing will go bad and I’ll fall into a black hole again?