For most people, downtime means a time for them to re-group and re-cupe. For me it just means I’m down, and I have been for some time now. I just can’t get out of this funk. I think I’ve put too much pressure on myself, which I swore I wouldn’t do. I’m stressing about everything. School, work, money, kids, family, relationship, appearance…let’s see, is there anything else? I know I’m a worry wart, but damn! It’s made me so tired. I did clean my house yesterday. Well, I vacuumed. I made the boys clean the bathrooms. I always keep the kitchen clean now, and most days I make my bed just cause. But today I didn’t. I was so tired and it looked so cozy that I didn’t want to make it. I just wanted to crawl back into it. I still haven’t unpacked my bag from being at the bf’s last week. I hate that. I know I’d feel better if I just did it, but I don’t. Why not?

Yesterday I was yelling at myself in the car on the way home, YOU WILL DO A WORKOUT WHEN YOU GET HOME!! I had just been to the store, then came home and vacuumed because who wants to workout on a floor with tons of dog hair on hardwood floors right? By the time I had done that and put away the groceries, one of the boys came home from school. Then I started laundry, my other son came home, one thing lead to another, and I was back in bed. Did I mention the bf and I broke up temporarily yesterday as well? I’m sure that didn’t help with my lack of energy. The weekend fighting with him had already exhausted me.

I think it might soon be my time of the month cause it feels like I’m PMSing. I never know cause I have that stick in my arm and I can go for months without it. It’s supposed to help control my hormones, but either it’s not really helping, or I would be EVEN worse if I didn’t have it.

I’m starting to hate FB, but I think I’m addicted. I’m just so sad about the state of the US right now, the whole world really. There’s just so much hate and anger. There aren’t enough people who care about other lives, human and animal. They don’t care about the environment we’re leaving for the generations to come. I feel like these people have no right to have children if their not going to help them have a better world. Most of the people I know who care so little about other humans and the environment are supposed to be Christians. I don’t think this is what God wanted. I think he wanted all of us to love each other and take care of each other. Isn’t that a better message than “Don’t step over that border into my land or I’ll shoot you with my gun”? It’s hurting my soul. It makes me want to die now so I can go to Heaven and ask God myself. But I feel like I have so much more to teach my children. I need to help them get through all of this. I need to protect them now and teach them how to protect themselves. They’re not ready to be without me even though sometimes I feel like I’m ready to go.

I am alive right now because of my faith and those 2 sweet wonderful boys. I just wish that someday I will want to stay alive for me, because I want to, and not just for other people.

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. I wish I could. I wish that I truly believed they worked. In that case I would feel a wave of motivation. I would be working out. I would be pumped about studying again. I would be eating healthier. I would actually care about my job (not easy cause I HATE IT!!).

I know where my biggest trigger of depressed feelings is coming from right now. It’s my weight! I’m not fat, but I’m bigger than I’ve ever been. This body isn’t me. I don’t want to feel comfortable in this skin. I want my old skin back, or, at least, something like it. I get that age catches up with you, BLAH BLAH BLAH!! Screw that! I’m actually embarrassed to go to the gym. So why don’t I continue to work out at home? I was actually doing well, but I didn’t feel like I saw any results! Well, I thought I did, but my boyfriend didn’t. That’s a huge thing for me. Of course I want to do it for myself, but I want him to see how good I can look. I think I’m pretty, so I haven’t lost all of my self-confidence, but I used to be the whole package. Don’t get me wrong…I know I’m no super model and have never wanted to be, but the best me made me very happy. I’m not happy at all right now.

I HATE MY BOOBS!!! Sometimes so much I feel like cutting them off myself. I know I have to lose weight before I can get them reduced, but they are making me look fatter than ever! I even had to start ordering shirts from a special store. I am convinced the internet is sabotaging my weight loss. Try this diet. No don’t. Try this one. Don’t diet, just change your eating habits. This exercise alone will not help you lose weight, so you have to do this and this and this together. WHO HAS TIME FOR ALL THAT!!!??? Who has the will power for all that?! I wish that my bi-polar addiction or obsession was working out, but it’s not. When I think about how much work it would take to get me in shape, all I wanna do is curl up in bed and take a nap. Then I wake up and drink wine.

Yes, wine. I love it! It makes me gain tons of weight, and it slows me down. It doesn’t stop me from getting things done, but it definitely slows me down. I don’t want to stop drinking it, but I do wish I didn’t feel like drinking it on weeknights. I just love that feeling of decompressing, turning on a tv show and chilling with wine. Another problem is my boyfriend and I don’t live together, so when we are together (we both have kids from other relationships and don’t want to blend households), I feel like we need to make it like a special occasion with good food and wine. I told him the other day that I don’t want to sit around and watch tv or a movie and fall asleep early. Then a whole night is wasted and who someone has to leave the next day. I never know for sure exactly what day I will see him again except for when we don’t have our kids. Sometimes I have to wait a week. That’s too long for me.

He’s always been really active, and we’ve tried to work out together, but we do different things. I’ve tried running with him, but he gets bored running at my pace and always runs ahead. I guess it doesn’t help that I HATE the weather here. Cold, wet, windy and rainy! Not ideal for this Florida girl, but I’m stuck. I wish he was more motivating. I know it’s not his fault, but it sucks. I’ve seen couples working out together at the gym, and I want that! I want him to say, “Come on, Baby. 1 more km. Just 5 more reps. You can do it!!

I feel sorry for him. He is my only person here, and he has to hear all my shit. I guess if it really bothered him, he would dump me, but I don’t want to let anyone else in. When it comes to making friends, I’m afraid of rejection. He has become my only friend and I’m worried that because of that, I’m gonna lose him. Someday, he’s going to sail away. 6 month, a year…Gone. And I’ll be all alone. Maybe I’ll get so depressed then that I won’t eat. Not really the way I wanna lose weight.

I don’t know who I’ve created this site for. Selflessly, I want to say it should be a sort of forum for people with mental disorders and/or addictions who need a place to be understood and feel safe. Then there’s the selfish side of me who wants this for myself, hoping it will be cathartic and help me through whatever I need to get through at certain times. In saying that, helping others makes me feel so good, so I guess I get to live for myself and others. Isn’t that the way it should be anyway?

This site is NOT a place to give a diagnoses or to be diagnosed! That should only be done by a professional. If you feel like you or someone you love has a disorder or addiction, please find help. If anyone ever starts reading this, that is, if I ever even get the nerve to let people know about this, I will start to post helpful sites and telephone hotlines where people can get help.

What I want everyone to understand through this blog is that bipolar does not have to be a negative thing all the time. Of course we have our ups and downs (literally), but one can live a positively awesome life with this disorder as well. That’s what I want to show you here. Mental disorder and addiction do not have to be the end all for you. It does not have to define you. You define yourself. I choose to define myself like my son thinks of me, WONDER WOMAN (even though she’s not a mom;) Maybe I should name myself BIPOLAR MOTHER!! I like it!!!

 

Most of the time I can recognize the triggers. Sometimes I don’t want to. I’m so afraid of slipping into a black hole of despair that I won’t allow myself to lose it every once in a while. I think it’s holding me back and it eventually makes me totally lose it. This is a much deeper hole. There’s no one here anymore to throw me a rope so I can climb out. I’ve pulled myself out before, but why does it always have to be me? Why can’t someone rescue me sometimes? I’m exhausted! It takes so much of my energy to have to go through this all the time. Last week I was luckily distracted a bit by my boys, but this week they’re gone, and I’m all alone. I have no desire to do anything. No motivation to study or read. I WISH I didn’t have to come to this job that I hate everyday. Of course, that just makes me frustrated with myself for not doing my homework so I can get on with my degree and actually start a career. Can you imagine? Starting over at my age? I’m 44. Who’s gonna hire me for a new entry level job when I’m 50. I’m rambling. Another lovely part of it.

I guess a good start would be to write a little about myself. Listen to me. I’m already writing this like I have 10,000 readers.

I am an American twice-divorced single mother of 2 boys, and I have bi-polar disorder. In case you’re wondering, both of my boys are from the same father. He was a pretty good guy, but we just weren’t compatible. Anyway, the reason I say I’m American is because I’m am currently living in Sweden. Not for my sake, but for everyone else’s because I can honestly say, this is the loneliest place on earth. Oh swedes are friendly enough, but the majority of them aren’t as welcoming as one might think. But we’ll get back to them later.

I’ve told my story so many times that it’s taken me a long time to build up the energy to start this blog. I, like many pi-polar sufferers have had my major ups and downs, and talking about it over and over and over again is so draining. However, recently, with everything that I see happening on social media, tv shows and movies about trolls, bullying, depression, mania…I felt like I needed to start speaking out. To share my story, even though I’m just one person who means nothing, it could maybe change someone’s life. Maybe I can see the signs that no one else could and help save a life by just listening or being there for someone. I know I was put on this earth for a purpose, or, let’s face it, I’d be dead. I would have killed myself a long time ago because sometimes the pain has been so bad I just pray to God that he would make my heart stop beating and let it be over. You see, I could never take my own life. I could never do that to my mom, my best friends and most of all, I WOULD NEVER do that to my kids. Can you imagine growing up thinking you weren’t important enough for your mother to stay alive? How does a child get over that?

But here’s the thing. I don’t want to want to live just for other people. I want to want to live for me. How do I do that? What can possibly make me feel that way when so many bad things have happened that I’m constantly afraid that one good thing will go bad and I’ll fall into a black hole again?